Carolyn McBreen Gibbs Blog: Patches Of Sunlight!

Carolyn McBreen Gibbs Blog: Patches Of Sunlight!: Molly here, again! I love my new house! At first it was a little scary, cause I had lots of extra rooms to explore, but now it's pretty ...

Patches Of Sunlight!

Molly here, again! I love my new house! At first it was a little scary, cause I had lots of extra rooms to explore, but now it's pretty O.K. One thing I know os that the downstairs is still a bit mysterious. When I get half way down the stairs, the wall ends, and there is an open railing. You just never know what might be lurking down there. I always stop, look into the room from the stairs, just to make sure it's all O.K. Mom thinks that's so cute. Well a girl has to be careful. Then there is another room down there that's a desk and bookcases....lots of book cases. Mom says it's an office for ministry work. I guess I don't do that.  In the family room, which includes me, there is Dad's chair. I run to it and wait for him to come and sit down, then we can snuggle.

Some days, Mom is up and down the stairs, and I get very tired keeping up. I just get settled, and she goes to a different room. I follow, get settled, and then guess what? yup, she goes somewhere else. It just wears me out. One thing I did discover, is sun patches! These are really a good thing. In the bedroom, I can lay on the bed and the sun comes in right where I am. In the living room the sun comes in first over by the end of the couch.  Then it moves a little, so I follow it. Then it moves again to the other side of the room, and I follow. Then it goes away. I don't like that very much. Downstairs, it shines on the rug in the middle of the floor. Sun patches are so warm and cheery. They make me happy.

Some days I can't find my patches, and Mom says, "No sun today, Molly." I don't understand that, but at least they are there sometimes. At our other home, the sun patches only hit the top of the couch, but never the floor, so this is all new. Sun makes Mom happy too. She says it makes it warmer outside, and that soon, when it warms up even more, we can go for longer walks. I know sun makes me very happy. As soon as I get this done, I think I will go back and soak up more of that sunny, cheery, warm spot....unless Mom moves again. Then I will have to find one of the other spots. Don't Move, MOM....I like this one best!

Carolyn McBreen Gibbs Blog: Sadly I Remember.

Carolyn McBreen Gibbs Blog: Sadly I Remember.: I have been so unfair, and so judgmental, and totally blind to even acknowledge what I was doing. The target for my hurt, anger, and feeling...

Sadly I Remember.

I have been so unfair, and so judgmental, and totally blind to even acknowledge what I was doing. The target for my hurt, anger, and feelings of unworth was my adopted mother. For the last years of her life, I came full circle with all the feelings, and all the hurt. All the while she was in a nursing home, while visiting her every day, I still never got any appreciation, motherly love, or even respect. God worked me through it every day, and slowly, He made me see that she was what she was, and that she did the best she could. I was adopted at a year old, and she was full of fears and her own insecurities. That came out in never saying a kind word, never encouraging me, and always letting me know I did not measure up. I never even saw that I was affected until I was an adult, and dealing with all those insecurities and lower than low self-esteem. I got to the place where I could really forgive her. When she was dying, I sat by her side all day that day. She was not conscious, and her breathing was labored. God was so gracious and allowed me to be with her. At about 2:00 in the morning, I read to her from the Bible, I held her hand. I did tell her I forgave her, but as our Pastor said in yesterday's sermon, I doubt if she even knew how she had hurt me. As I read to her and prayed, her breathing quieted, and with one big breath, she was gone. I was sad, but by that time I had found my birth family, and it was all of them that made me feel loved. I am sad and ashamed to say, I was very unfair to my adopted mother.

Although it is true we never bonded, and I felt like a stranger in her house, she really did not know what she was doing. She did not know all she did was criticize me and how I was. She did not know that by praising other's children, and fusing over them, she hurt me. She did not know she only wanted a clone of herself, and nothing else was good enough. She did not know how to have fun, enjoy life, or be happy with the only child she had. Today as I was looking through old pictures, I was heartbroken again....this time, not for me, but for her. In almost every picture she was not smiling. She was always so concerned with how things looked, or reflected off her, that she could not enjoy simple pleasures.

She came from a wealthy family of eight children. Her father was what was called a gentleman farmer. He had hired help to take care of his land and herds. Her mother had girls to clean and cook. My grandfather never wore work clothes, but opted for suit, shirt, tie, vest, fancy shirt buttons, and whatever a gentleman wore in the early 1900s.  To say my mother was a snob seems harsh, but she was. She never learned to relate to ordinary working people. Her world was all material. She actually turned her nose up to anyone or anything that did not say "money."   She grew up with the best of everything. Her father owned race horses, and a trip to the nearest city, was fancy hotels of that era. Then just as my mother was about to head to college, my grandfather lost all his money in bad investments. Her world came crashing down!

Today, as I looked at pictures! for the first time in my life! I felt sorrier for her than for me. All the years I lived with the hurt and pain of rejection and not being good enough for her, I never even wondered about her. Even the last years of her life, I was not thinking of her....only me. Today, after all these years, I feel so bad that I didn't understand sooner. Even though I forgave her, I have carried all that with me. I will always regret I didn't understand sooner....so Mother, I am so sorry. I know you can't hear me now, but I know you were a sad woman all your life. I know you needed perfection in everything, and I know I misjudged you. You carried your own scars and hurts, and I know we would have never been normal Mother and daughter, but I could have tried to love you, and understand. Today I shed tears for you, and I am grateful to Jesus that He took me through this process lasting years. Now I lay it all at the foot of the cross once and for ever. Rest in peace Mother, I am at peace.

Lost But Not Forever!

I have been lost many times. The dictionary defines lost as "Not knowing where you are, or how to get where you want to go."  When I was in college in Lincoln, a friend and I decided to go to Omaha to shop. I had only been there once, and I wasn't driving. I still don't know where we were going, but we drove the interstate and various other streets over and over, for several hours. The more we drove, the more we got lost, confused, and frustrated. We finally stopped, and got directions, and I guess we found where we were going, but by then I'm not sure we cared.  My husband John can go to most any town or city, and instinctually find where he needs to be. I on the other hand get lost first, ask directions, and eventually find my destination. We were on a trip to Phoenix and decided to  rent a car to go see John's brother in Tucson. John had directions from his brother so when we got into town, John handed me the map so I could read off the street names on the directions as we came to them. John said the first street name, and I said, " No, we aren't there yet." John said another street. I said, " No, we aren't there yet." Finally John took the map from me, looked at it, and turned it right side up. So you see, even a map is of little help to me!

There is another layer of lost. The dictionary again says ruined or destroyed. lacking in assurance and self-confidence. That was me for many years, lost in my sin. I was always at Church, I heard the Bible stories, but I did not understand. I was so lost in my own world of fun and personal pleasure, I did not have a clue who Jesus really was. I was blinded by wanting things, and trying anything I thought would make me happy. I had no hope, I had no idea that life could be any different. I was so lost, I didn't know I was lost. I remember sitting in my Church, St. Patrick's one day before Mass. I was starting to think about life after death and the thought of dying was terrifying. I did not know you could be certain of Heaven, so eternity was scary. I knew I was a bad person, so I knew I probably had little chance of Heaven. I just remember thinking as I sat in the quiet, stain glass sanctuary, gazing at the statue of Mary, " If I could just be as good as you Mary, MAYBE, I could go to Heaven. That was a sad, sad time in my life. I felt so alone, so unloved, and so scared. No one should ever feel that lost, separated from a loving Father God!

On the other side of that time, I was saved. Again  Webster

says save is to keep safe, to keep from being lost. God knew that is what I needed. He was about to bring my future husband into my life. Through him, I would once again travel to Tucson and finally end the lostness by coming to know Jesus Christ. Again through fear of the unknown eternity, God showed me how to become His child. I learned I could be forgiven of all that sin I had carried for so long. I learned that if I repented and turned from that sin, and accepted Jesus free gift of salvation, I could know with no doubt that I would be in Heaven when I leave this world. To save means to redeem, to deliver, to preserve, and to rescue. That is what Jesus did for me on the cross. His blood paid for all my wrong. It should have been me....but He said, I will pay the price for you!  I still stumble and fall, but Jesus delivers me, He picks me up, He stands beside me. I am no longer lost. He is my hope, and my salvation! He can be yours too....all you have to do is ask for directions. He loves you, and even if you are lost, He knows exactly where you are!

Broken!

Shattered, disconnected, not working properly, parts separated. In other words.... Broken. If it is an object, it may be able to be mended. One of our dining room chairs was broken. One rung had pulled away from the leg. My husband fixed it with wood glue. It works fine. There are all manner of fixatives for broken glass, wood, and plastic. You can glue it, tape it, nail it, and duct tape it. It may not look as good as it did before it broke, but it is back together, and no longer in pieces.

I had a beautiful Victorian set of china from my grandmother. Ther were matching gravy boat, vegetable dish, and meat platter that can only come from that era of time. It was ivory, with muted green and tiny pink flowers , all with gold edges. I loved that set, and used it often for family dinners. Then the horrible day came when the shelf in the antique china cabinet fell, and the pieces stored there where broken, chipped, and damaged. I patiently tried to glue each back together, but some pieces shattered into china dust, and the damage was too great to totally fix. I did what I could, and kept them as a precious treasure from the past, but they were never usable again. 

Bones can be broken too. I got through a very clumsy childhood with never a broken bone. As a kid, I had friends who broke their arms, and I thought that would be cool to have a cast for my friends to sign. Didn't ever stop to think that pain would be a part of that process. Anyway, I never broke anything no matter how many times I fell. I waited until I was fifty something, and then a fall off a two step ladder, broke my ankle. I don't remember thinking, "finally, I get to have a cast!" I did get to choose the color of the cast, but the whole healing time was not fun. Being broken is no fun. For people and animals, broken hurts. Broken needs time to heal. Fixing anything broken, needs, a conduit to put the pieces back together.

I am still broken. Oh, my ankle healed, and no other bones have been broken, but sin in my life makes me shattered, disconnected, separated, not working properly. BROKEN! I was made in God's image, but with skin on, I am a sinful creature. I have given my life to Jesus, but I still sin, still need forgiveness, and still need His grace, mercy, and love to fix the broken. I am flawed, and I am only whole when I am close to Him. It is harder to fix spiritual brokenness. It is harder to mend broken hearts. God is the conduit that fixes my flaws, picks up the pieces when I try to do things my way, and patiently, and lovingly mends my spirit. Because Jesus puts my brokenness back together, I am able to reach out to others who are broken. If I were never flawed or broken, I would never fully appreciate, and revel in how awesome and mighty God is! He is the master crafter of broken pieces. I am humbled and grateful, because I am His, bumps, bruises, shattered, and flawed pieces, and He LOVES Me!

Carolyn McBreen Gibbs Blog: Molly's Move!

Carolyn McBreen Gibbs Blog: Molly's Move!: Molly here! Well guess what? We moved. I can't believe it, and I really don't know for sure what moving is. Well, I know sort of. Li...