I don't think I started out that way. I was a fairly normal little girl. I was spoiled, and got everything I wanted. Perhaps that was the problem. Deep down I was a scared, insecure little girl. Only my Dad loved me. So I learned to act tough with my friends. We played at my house. We played what I wanted to, and I got the good parts in our play acting games. If a friend opposed me, I took my toys inside, and told them to go home!
Sunday School I did because I was promised a puppy! Church I did, because I had no choice. I did not care about either. As a
I know it sounds like I was some kind of monster, but to the world and my friends, I was average, and normal. I didn't steal, or hurt people, except with words, and I was polite and respectful to those in authority. I focused on things money could buy, dating, clothes, and my looks. Never once did I worry about what was on the inside. As I got into college, I drank, smoked, and spouted off words that were awful. I was a flirt and a tease. It was all about fun. When I didn't have to go to Church anymore, I didn't. God was not real to me so He was not part of my life.
I discovered witchcraft, transcendental meditation, and everything connected with it. Taro cards, spells, and horoscopes all fascinated me. Then a time came when I was no longer happy living on the dark side. My soul was black, my heart was black, and suddenly it was no longer fun. I became miserable and started searching, but for what? I had no idea. I joined the Catholic Church. They had a beautiful Church, ritual, and my friends belonged. I was in the blackest of pits and didn't know how to get out. At the time I'm not sure I wanted out. Satan and bad behavior, and sin were all I knew. I was part of the world, and convinced myself it wasn't bad. If the world wasn't bad or sinful, then I couldn't be either.
What I didn't know was, God's hand was on me. He had been there all along, and He was not letting go. He knew one day I would turn to Him and accept Him as my Lord and Savior. He knew exactly where I needed to be, and what I needed to hear! For me it became a terrible fear of death. At some level, I knew I was awful, ugly in sin, and I was terrified I wouldn't be good enough to go to Heaven. I knew just enough to be totally confused.
God did meet me one morning. He used a T.V. Evangelist in Arizona to reach me with His Gospel message! I had family praying for me, and I listened, and I said yes Lord! I was reborn. My spirit was washed clean, my heart was new, and I was filled with a joy I had never known! God cleaned up my language immediately, because that must have really bothered Him. He gave me a new loving, gene rouse heart. I began to see me as God had seen me. That was amazing, because it was hard to look at, and yet He did and He loved me anyway!
It is amazing even in the midst of trouble, pain, illness, and loss how beautiful a life lived in Christ can be! It is like night and day. Yes, I am a survivor! I lived through the depths of hell, and came out on the other side as a Princess of The King! My life broke Jesus heart, but He let me come back to Him! I chose life as a survivor!