We are convinced that the way we look, and what we do define our whole being. We are so much more than that. As one with self-esteem issues, this is hard to deal with. I was always short. That meant always first row for school programs, pictures, and last picked for basketball teams. I was not good at sports, and I hated PE. I remember being with my friends on the playground in sixth grade. They were all five feet tall, or taller, and I thought that was the ultimate goal. If only I could be five feet tall, I thought to myself. As the year progressed, I did attain five feet in height, but sadly the other girls also grew, and now they were still taller. Eventually we stopped growing....alas, I never attained taller than five feet.
In high school, I wanted to be popular. I made choir, and I made our School's Drill Team. I was popular to a point, yet, somehow always just on the edge. Others made it seem so easy. Because I had very low self-esteem, I was a little shy, and didn't join in easily. I watched the really popular girls, and wished I had their confidence.
It was easier in College. I was where no one knew me. I could unfurl my wings, and be who I wanted to be. Those choices weren't always good, but people saw me as different than the shy young girl I left behind. I was in a sorority, I was accepted! From there to the working world, I slowly gained a new level of who I thought I wanted to be. It was a world's view, but for the first time in my life, I was in charge. I dressed my way, became more outgoing, and entertaining. People actually liked me. It was all shallow.
When I accepted Jesus as my Savior, and let Him take over and mold me, I evolved once more. This time JESUS was in charge. He has been molding me, shaping me, and changing me for over 30 years and I am better, but not there yet! JESUS has taught me so much about myself, and who He designed me to be. Still, at the beginning, I would look at other believers, especially well known ones, and I would think, "Wow, wish I had a cool testimony like them." What I have learned is, God had me planned, before my parents were born. He knows exactly who I am to be, and how He will accomplish that. I do not have to be what the world says is cool. I don't have to be like anyone else. I am Me. I am important! I have a purpose, because God has a plan for me.
I have learned more about myself in the last half of my life, than I would have thought possible. I was just ordinary, on the lower end of scholarly, and at best not ugly. God has shown me that He gave me gifts of creativity, empathy, compassion, and threw in writing and humor. In Him, it doesn't matter what's on the outside, but what is on the inside. I still can't play sports, I can't reach things on the top grocery shelves, and some days I still feel inferior to everyone else. Those moments are fleeting now. I know whose I am, and I'm really O.K. With who I am becoming! I don't wish much anymore, I just say "Thank You Lord!"