You see, once we are down and discouraged, and maybe not feeling well, satan jumps in with both ugly feet, and convinces us, God is not listening, God is not near, and why would God help you, a sinner, a loser, a nobody. When my defenses are down, no matter how hard I try, I buy into these lies, at least for awhile. It's hard to explain, if you haven't been there. It is like you are so desperate for an answer, yet you know God is not a magic genie there to do your bidding, and so it is easy to believe you are not worth an answer to your prayer. I have been there, but mercifully, God brings me back to sanity, and back to where I can hear His voice again!
The times before, God has allowed me to cry, rant, yell, and be angry because I couldn't see Him working. Then He patiently led me through scripture,and prayers, until I could see His love, and feel His care pounce again. It was a hard walk. It was a painful walk. But I learned what God was teaching me like I never would in a happy, carefree situation. Now, knowing me, I do not always remember that teaching. Then I have to go through another valley, before reaching the mountain top.
Several months ago, I went down another valley road. It was steep, dark, and filled with pain. I had a major flair up of Rheumatoid Arthritis inflammation. I have had this over the years, and thought it would react the same way. After a week or two it would subside and go away. It did not! Again, I was in constant pain, could not sleep, and was accomplishing nothing, day after day after day! My husband kept telling me, "Go to the doctor." I knew better. What could he do? All the while, I am barely hanging on by my finger tips. I am praying, desperately, crying out, asking God, "Why are you not answering me?" I knew He loved me, I knew He felt my pain, so how could He not help me? Day after day, nothing changed, and there were no answers. I finally figured out that maybe God was waiting for me to learn something.
I changed my prayers, asking Him to show me what I needed to learn, with the underlying plea again for God to make this better.....Answer My Prayer! After many friends answered on FaceBook that I needed to go to the doctor, I made an appointment. I did indeed have a major inflammation of RA. Within 10 minutes, my doctor have me a prescription for a steroid, narcotic pain medication, and the name of an RA specialist. By the next day I was almost back to normal. It was then that the irony of my silliness hit me...God had been answering me from the beginning, when John told me to call the doctor. In my stubbornness and thinking I know everything, I caused a lot of pain for myself. I had to almost laugh at myself, because God was so obvious, and had provided just what I needed, and answered me in all His Grace and Mercy, while I was too blind to see it. I will pray I don't look past His care or answers again.....but I can't promise!