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Monday, September 9, 2013

I Am A Princess!

Insecure, desperate to please, and convinced I had no worth. Does any of that sound familiar to you? I pray it does not. I don't recall when I first felt so short of the mark, but I do know it has been a long, heartbreaking journey.  The first time I tried to help mother with canning peaches, I was seven. Mother was an expert at everything she did, so she assumed if she told me, I would have the same skills. She desperately wanted me to be an exact image of her. Since I was adopted, I had none of her genes to fall back on....I was just me.  She could peel an apple or a peach so skillfully there was only the thinnest skin that came off. Never, ever was there any meat of the fruit attached. I on the other hand got more of the fruit with the skin than was acceptable. To this day, I can not peel anything thinly. Mother could not understand what was wrong with me, never mind a little credit for trying.

She started me ironing early too with napkins, pillow cases, and sheets. Again perfection was the only standard. I tried, but I never was perfect. Maybe that's why I hate ironing today. I did get better, but I am still far from perfect. Cleaning, vacuuming, or washing dishes, I was never good enough. I was always told that some part was not right, no matter how hard I tried. I don't know how my mother got perfect in her house wife chores, but she never stopped working. I think maybe she was insecure herself, and these were things she could do well. That's great, but it hurt to always hear how lacking I was. Her favorite phrase throughout my life was, "I would never do that." Or she would say, "Why can't you do things like I do?" I grew up thinking I was useless, and that I could never do anything right, no matter what.

Friends were another source of dissension. I picked friends that were a lot like me...ordinary people. We had fun together, and we liked the same things. I didn't have to pretend with them, I could just be me. Mother didn't think they were good enough. They were alright, but she would have chosen friends for their money, their social status, and their looks. It made me sad, and I felt so alone sometimes. I longed to be accepted for who I was. It made me very awkward around people, because I had to always be mother's creation. No matter where we were or who we were with, mother talked for me. "Carolyn likes.....or Carolyn thinks...." She put words in my mouth, and told me what to like, or not like. I don't know if she really knew what she was doing, but she so wanted a clone of herself.

When I accepted Jesus as my Savior, slowly, but daily, He has molded me into what He wanted me to be from the moment He planned me. It has been a very long, hard road, but slowly, I learned that I am of worth. God chose me before creation to be His Princess. He waited for years and years for me to come to Him, and develop a relationship with Him. He never gave up on me! He made me His daughter, a princess of the King. He has taught me that He designed me, He fashioned me heart, body, and soul so I could be His child for eternity! Ever so slowly, Christ has taught me that I don't have to fit in, I don't have to be like anyone else! I have been wonderfully made so I can reach others and turn them to my Savior. I am still insecure sometimes, and sometimes I don't think I measure up, but those are the world's standards. As long as I follow God's word, and let Him lead me, I have all the worth and value, He deems necessary. Jesus gives me all I need to walk in confidence. I am His princess. I have long since settled things with my mother. I can see now through God's eyes how sad, and insecure she was. She bluffed her way through with money, prestige in the community, and processions. She accepted Jesus as her Savior three years before her death, but sadly too late to enjoy truly being a princess. For now God is taking my failures,successes , tears, and joys, and putting them in a wonderful harmony to do His work here. The greatest thing God has taught me through this journey, is I don't have to hide my hurt from Him, I don't have to be what I was not meant to be. Hand in hand, He leads me, and when I walk into the heavenly realm one day, I will be wholly, and completely what God had for me before time began!