When I first accepted Him as my personal Savior and was reborn spiritually, I was so excited! I felt new from the inside out! Jesus filled my thoughts, actions, and activities. I was filled with boundless joy. We were on vacation in Tucson visiting family. Normally if shopping was suggested, I was excited to buy clothes, or jewelry. This time was different. The only thing I wanted was a new study Bible. On the trip home, I started in Genesis, and read through. I was excited to study what God said, and I learned from our pastor, from James Dobson, and Chuck Swindohl. My life was turned upside down!
As with all things, the newness wears off and the joy fades with the everyday. I let the world crowd in, and I allowed Satan to steal my joy.Even though I loved Jesus and had committed my life to Him, the human me still wanted what I wanted. I prayed and didn't wait for His answers. As a result God had to take me on many desert journeys. As I learned, He retuned me to my mountain tops, only to fall again. I am always amazed at my God's patience, and second, third, and fourth chances.
Some things I learned quickly, while others have taken years. The biggest hurdle in my walk, and an ongoing sin, was resolved this year. I have always hated confrontation. I have always been terrified from a very early age to be in trouble. I was so afraid of consequences, and of losing love, because I was bad. Somehow I was very good at covering up, and lie my way out of difficulties, at least for the immediate. I was good at shutting it out of my conscious thought. In my mind others, family especially would not love me if they knew the real me. In confrontation I am tongue tied, and have no defense. For me that is uncomfortable beyond words.
God tried to teach me over and over, and I tried to believe I would be different. Like Paul, I did what I did not want to do, and I didn't do what I wanted to do. I lived a YoYo life for so long, and fell short of what God wanted for me. It became my normal. When things crashed this last time, I truly learned to let go, and let God lead. I have since had Him show up so many times this year through His Holy Spirit to lovingly, and gently show me what I was doing, and what I needed to do. It is such a joy to stand accountable, and to let God direct my life! I have gained the freedom to be who He intended all along!
It is a process. He has even shown me things from my youth, and from young adulthood, and from my present that I haven't dealt with, or how I should have. God has shown me sin, that I wasn't aware of. He personally has really shaped me and molded me maybe more this year than ever before! Some of it wasn't easy, and most of it was hurtful, but I am grateful He loves me that much! I have decided that if I am worth that much one on one care and love, then He deserves my very best! He holds nothing back from me, so why should I hold back pieces of myself from Him?
I have never been closer to Him than I am in this season. One lesson that He brought to me was Joshua 1:9. Be 
strong, be courageous. Since I am living by His word, and example, there will be those in opposition. I am finding I do need to be strong, and courageous to share His word. I have learned to be patient, and wait on The Lord. His plans are far better than mine. He has proven it over and over. Many times in prayer for a desparate situation He answers and is there for me, even before I ask.
One ongoing reminder from God that I am still processing is the lost. As I see our world, and our country falling away from God, I see mean spirited people with no regard for others, no love, only greed, and I get angry. I want to get in their face, I want them to suffer. Yet over and over God reminds me, they are lost. They don't know Jesus. They need my prayer, not my condemnation.
I am still human, still have skin on, and I still make mistakes, still sin, still mess up. I am also loved, and forgiven by God, because I accepted Him as my Savior. When God reveals things to me, even if it is something I shouldn't have done, or it brings me to tears to see me as He sees me, there is now peace, and joy that only He can give. I am content for His will to be done. I don't like injustice, or waiting for answers, but I no longer stress about it. I wait! I look forward each day to see what Jesus has for me.
What season of life are you in? My prayer for you is that you have that personal relationship with Jesus. I pray He is speaking to you, now, teaching you His ways as only He can. As my husband said from something he read, "You have made Jesus your Savior, but have you made Him Lord of your life?"
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